I taught myself to “believe” that I was Worthless

Updated: Nov 13, 2020

At a young age I taught myself to “believe” that I was “worthless” the moment I realised I was somewhat different to others and I didn’t fit into ‘my’ definition of society’s standard of beauty. The fact that I didn’t know anyone in similar circumstances to me didn’t help either. I reflect on this moment in time in my life and I can't help but realise that I was not the only person feeling this way. Many boys and girls my age at that time, were in a similar position to me. It now, sucks to know that many of us at that age, we're looking in the mirror and all we could see is our imperfections.

Not our faces, our bodies, nor the spec of beauty pointed out to us by others. Just our imperfections because we had started telling ourselves that “l am ugly”. Instead of accepting and loving ourselves. A popular representation of the ‘I am the ugly” mindset is Beast from Beauty and the Beast. The moment the beast realised that he was different, he could only see flaws in himself. Due to the fact, he constantly compared himself. Instead of learning to accept and love who he is. This journal poem and post was mostly inspired by Beauty & the beast, but it was also inspired by an insecurity of mine. My voice. For a long time, l used to yearn for a normal voice like everyone else.

The longing to have a normal voice started when l decided to record my voice. In my first year of school, I recorded my voice for a school project. I replayed the recording back to check if it was good and you can guess what happened. I didn't like, what l heard. For I thought, I had a clear and smooth voice. Just like everyone else but that was not the case. I deleted the recording and decided to record my mother’s voice. My mother asked me why I wanted to record her voice. I told her it was for an assignment, but the truth has I thought my voice sounded like a beast and hers sounded normal. The day I recorded my voice, is the day I became weary of talking in public, in front of my family and friend. To me, my voice was a curse.

The longing to have a normal voice would continue for the next five years of my life. So whats the moral concept of / purpose this post? Well the concepts or purpose of this post is if you have an insecurity that makes you feel like a "beast" and "worthless" you're not alone.

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